i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
