The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My pussy is not your playground.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
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