I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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