I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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