I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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