Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
