I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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