with your own penis?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
