eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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