Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
