Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
