Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
