one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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