Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
