we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
