it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
