I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
