Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
