what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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