he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She needs sedatives and a leash
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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