She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
