i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
