shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
