I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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