I can text with my tongue
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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