Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
