When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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