Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
