the condom got lost in my hair
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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