i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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