You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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