...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
