when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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