I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
