Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
