My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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