What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
