yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
