i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
