Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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