And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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