I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
