i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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