At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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