i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
