I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
