do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he just fucked me for my cheese..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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