Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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