just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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