I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
