Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
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No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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