i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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