I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Randomize
