I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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