shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
