In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
