so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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