i just had sex bonerless
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
