a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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