Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We are all done wearing pants today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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