sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
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The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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