Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
